Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
