i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
