I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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