I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
