if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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