I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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