My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
