i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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