My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need to calm my uterus...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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