It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
