apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
