Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
