i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
