just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
