shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
