just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Randomize
