I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
