I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
