Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
