i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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