Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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