Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
