Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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