i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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