My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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