id be glad to
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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