Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
