Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
