Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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