mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
