So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
