you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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