I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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