you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
