I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
