i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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