i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
