the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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