Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
