Cold hands, warm shart.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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