saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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