I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
