I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
