This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
