i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
