I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
