her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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