ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
