she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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