Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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