he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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