he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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