meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
