is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
