from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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