I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
