Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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