9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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