You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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