her vagine was all disorganized.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
